What if I don’t want what you want for me!
At the time when I started writing this piece, we had just finished a 2-day public holiday otherwise known as Adult mid-term break 2, the first break was the Easter holiday. I ended up publishing it much later than I anticipated. 😎
I am an extrovert, which means I basically get power and energy from outside in form of the people around me or the environment I find myself. As it was the holidays, there was no going to the office to get warm hugs from my colleagues, laugh over jokes, or throw bants while having lunch. Of course, I had my siblings at home, but it didn’t feel like it as everyone was busy making the best use of the holidays.
I longed for a conversation where I can throw bants and laugh over anything while discussing what we’ve done and what we need to do. I tried to speak with my friends individually, but our conversations didn’t fill the void in my heart. I needed more than what they were offering, I needed a closely knitted companion that I can’t get from close friends. I want to be loved by one single person, with butterflies in my tummy and a face glowing from the affection of my beloved.
Sadly, nobody sees this part of me. What they see is a lady who’d rather pursue her dreams and make Jesus proud, than settle for a relationship. They see a lady who is unbothered about getting married, purpose-driven, and just wants to grow on her career journey. The same way they’d see a newly wedded couple, who are yet to have a child despite being married for a number of years.
What if they have been trying, and the lady has had several miscarriages? What if they decided not to have any children for reasons best known to them? No, we won’t consider the what if’s, we’d rather consider what should be. Who made us judges and decision-makers of other people’s lives? I ask again, who? Who assigned us to determine what success should look like for other people?
Rather than increasing the pressure, don’t even attempt to reduce or increase it, just let them be! Their definition of success doesn’t have to satisfy or suit you, as long as they are happy and satisfied with their success, leave them alone.
We may think we are being concerned but there is a thin line between being concerned and being a bully. Yes, you are a bully, if the only thing that comes to your mind when you see your single friend is when are you getting married! You are on your journey to bullying them to get married because they want to save face before you. If the one thing that comes to your mind when you see your married friend without a bulging stomach and all you have in mind is to find out why there is no baby.
What happened to just generally asking about their welfare? What happened to pray for them? What happened to just showing up for them? What happened to allow them to breathe and live? What happened to focusing on your own life and allowing them to live theirs.
I understand that a couple of people are of the opinion that, close friends should be able to ask these questions, but if you are close enough as you think you are, you shouldn’t have to ask them specifics before they fill you up on whatever is going on in their lives.
Jesus answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and the most important commandment. The second most important commandment is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ Matthew 22: 37–39
Help your friends to live their best life by not contributing to the pressure on them. They also have expectations from themselves, and that’s enough pressure to deal with. Treat your neighbors according to how God wants you to, not how you want to be treated.
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